Mother's Day the Second Time Around

 Happy Mother's Day to all of the mothers out there, especially our own mothers who have been invaluable to us over this last year (and our whole lives). We wouldn't have the strength to get through what we have without everything they taught us. A special Happy Mother's Day to all of you preemie moms as well. Although every mother is special, I think it takes an extra special person to be gifted with a preemie son or daughter.

Holding Landon for the first time on my first Mother's Day

He still likes to peep out from his blankets one year later

It would be pretty difficult to surpass the joy of my first Mother's Day when I got to hold my 10 week old, 2 1/2 pound baby for the first time. It was overwhelming and terrifying as he was still on a ventilator. They actually pinned the vent tubes to me and warned me several times of the danger of accidentally pulling his vent tube out. Regardless of how scary it was, I think it was one of the first times it really clicked with me that I was this small, fragile baby's mama.

It is hard to describe being a mom to a micropreemie in their first few months of life unless you are talking to another micropreemie mom. Although you fight for that baby and advocate and become a bit of a doctor, nurse, and respiratory therapist, I felt a bit of detachment from the actual mother role in the first few months. Not being able to hold my baby or really touch him for more than a few moments added to that detachment. Though I think a lot of the reason was a coping mechanism. You love your baby and would do anything for him, but your heart and your brain may need to take a step back while things are so tenuous in order to survive with your sanity intact. That changed when I got to hold him. When his little peepers looked at me from beneath his 'I love Hockey' hat, I finally felt like he knew I was there and that my presence mattered. Sure I realized that intellectually before that point, but I really felt it in my heart on that day, my first Mother's Day.

So that is what my face looks like without tubes

He loves school

Strolling through Plymouth

Fast forward to a year later. This kid is the most laid back, happiest baby I have seen. It is like he doesn't remember any of the trama of his first 6 months. In fact he loves when people rub his belly over his scars! I had another unique experience this Mother's Day of getting to take my baby out and about without oxygen for a few hours a day. Last week when we went to his lung doctor, I didn't have high hopes that we would get to take the oxygen off. I had been so sure we would the last visit and had been so disappointed, I really tried to have low expectations. In typical Landon fashion, he did the exact opposite of what I expected. He did so well when they turned off his oxygen for the routine 5 minute test, they left it off for the rest of the two hour visit. Then they gave us the words we had been waiting to hear, we can started weaning him off of the oxygen! How long it will take is really up to Landon and how he tolerates it. We started by giving him two hours a day without it and will be up to 5 hours tomorrow. I am probably being more conservative about taking it off then Ryan would like, but after all we went through I want to be really sure he will be ok! I do credit some of the reason he finally passed the oxygen test to the fact we saw Dr. Nancy on our way to our appointment. It was wonderful to see her and I think she was the motivation Landon needed to get a move on.

March of Dimes Walk with my parents, my brothers, sister, Aunt Carey, Uncle Cliff,
Aunt Carey's friend and Auntie Jess!

It has been a crazy experience taking him out and about without the bulky tank. I keep looking for it before I remember I didn't bring it. I also have to stop myself from explaining why he is on oxygen when people comment on how cute he is. Before I thought it was a bit of pity 'he's cute' comments due to the oxygen, but without it I realize people are just seeing him the way I have always seen him. The only downside is that he HATES putting the oxygen back on. It is really not his favorite thing anymore so hopefully we are able to get him off the next month or so. I don't know what I will do without oxygen cords to trip over all over the house!

Beyond the great news of getting the oxygen off, we also had a great experience on the March of Dimes walk last week. We have to thank everyone for their support for us and Landon for the walk. We surpassed our goal and raised $3,200! It was amazing seeing all of the other babies and parents and hearing their stories of success. It was also hard to hear the stories of those babies who didn't make it, making us even more grateful for the miracle we received. Many of those babies didn't make it because they were born before the life-saving medication that Landon received for his lungs. The thought that if Landon had been born even 5 or 10 years earlier that he wouldn't have made it, makes you really grateful for every moment.

It happened to be the one cold day of the entire weekend (just our luck). So we all bundled up and hoped that the rain wouldn't come until after the walk was over. We were joined by my family, Ryan's Aunt Carey and Uncle Cliff, Aunt Carey's best friend and one of my good friends, Jess (who raised a good chunk of the money). It was a lonnnggg walk for an out of shape gal like me, but being surrounded by great company kept us going. Landon had a great time laughing and playing in his stroller the whole way. We feel so loved and so supported by everyone, I honestly don't know if we would have survived the last year without the wonderful support network we have!

I will catch this water!

I love my tent! Thanks Uncle Mike!

My family at the end of the March of Dimes walk, didn't think I would make it!