100 Breaths

Playing with Grandma

Just hanging out

Eating my fav...Applesauce

There is a store in the mall here called 'Things Remembered.' It is full of trickets and gifts that can be engraved in order to remember a special event or date. As Landon's first Christmas approaches there are so many things I want to remember about this first year (and a few I would rather forget.) However,  I have also been dwelling on things I take or took for granted. What types of things would be in my store 'Things For Granted'? I took having a normal pregnancy and healthy baby for granted. I worried about everything that could go wrong in my pregnancy rather than enjoying the albeit short time I was pregnant without complications.

I was reading the blog of another mom with a baby that has special needs and she referenced a poem called Amsterdam International. Basically it is an allegory for the journey all parents go through when they have a baby with special needs rather than the perfect pregnancy they had anticipated. It talks of preparing for a vacation to Italy. Your bags are packed for Italy, you have learned Italian, you have your whole trip planned out. Instead you are detoured to Amsterdam International. You don't know the language or the area. You had never planned to be there. Your family is anxiously awaiting news from your Italian trip and you have to tell them you are in Amsterdam.  It is weird when your whole reality shifts and the things you thought were important aren't so much anymore.

I look back on my old reality and certainly mourn that life. Having a baby who doesn't have to struggle and claw his way through life is the old reality. Not having to experience the heart break of begging your baby to push on through one more painful experience is the old reality. Taking normal milestones for healthy babies for granted is the old reality. However, our new reality is full of joys and daily miracles that parents with 'normal' babies may take for granted. Every time Landon does something new it is a celebration. That is true of other parents and babies, but it takes Landon 10 times more effort and work to accomplish these things. I told his physical therapist every time he rolls over it is a Christmas gift for me. I remember after his first stomach surgery the surgeon told us that he was most worried that a baby who was so very tiny and so very sick would have a hard time surviving much less surviving cognitively intact. Here we are 8 months later with a baby that has to work really really hard but is definitely intact, more than intact...just perfect.

In our new reality we take NOTHING for granted. We celebrate pooping (even though it is smelly and messy) because it is a miracle his poor guts work after what they went through. We celebrate crying because we couldn't hear his voice for the 76 days he was on a ventilator. Do you know what we celebrate most? Something every one of us takes for granted every day. Something most of us are taking for granted right now as you read this. We celebrate breathing. I have a ritual of watching Landon breath. I count 100 breaths (I think it is an obsessive compulsive thing). I count 100 breaths and say a prayer to God that with each breath he takes it gets a little bit easier. Each day he grows a little bit bigger. I know that one day he won't struggle to breath. I wait for the day when I can forget for one second how much hard work breathing is. I wait to take it for granted because he will be breathing like everyone else.

I apologize for my philosophical divergence. I am feeling contemplative as we get closer to the one year mark of when my water broke. Landon is doing well, though we have been having some feeding issues again. We switched him to a formula that is more hypoallergenic. It smells to high heaven but he LOVES it. Of course it is the most expensive formula on the market. What can I say, my baby has expensive tastes. He loves the formula so much that he doesn't want to eat breast milk. Perhaps this is the end to my pumping? We shall see.

We are very excited for Landon's first Christmas and I promise to post pictures of Landon with the Christmas tree soon!

Cuddling with Daddy

My new penguin hat!

My Christmas outfit