My Mother's Day Present

Today I got the best present ever, I got to really hold Landon for the first time! The doctors and nurses had been working on this for some time, but I wasn't 100% sure that today would be the day. When we got there, Landon's usual nurse wasn't there so I assumed that meant I wouldn't get to hold him. I'll admit I started to tear up, but comforted myself that I would have the rest of my life to hold him and one more day wouldn't matter. I felt a little better when his nurse for the day handed me the card Landon 'made' for me for Mother's Day. It included a cute picture of him and my favorite...dark chocolate. Then his nurse announced that Landon was going to have a good day because he was coming out to play. It took me a few minutes to truly understand what she said and when I did I imagine the feeling I had was comparable to people who win the lottery. (I mean win big time, not just $2 on a $1 scratch off ticket.)

It is indescribable to say how it felt to finally hold him after watching him through the window of his isolette for the last month. I was terrified of breaking him, and humbled by how beautiful and strong he was, and saddened by the fact it took so long to hold him. Mostly, I was overwhelmed that someone so tiny can be the center of my universe. I thought that the nurse would hand him to me and his heart rate or oxygen levels would drop and they would have to take him away immediately. It was quite the production to get him to me since he is still on the ventilator. They had to move the ventilator and all his tubes with him as they handed him to me. Then they tied a string around his ventilator tubes and anchored it to my shirt. I was pretty sure I would vomit before they handed him to me.

Before I had a chance to mentally prepare myself (as if I hadn't been doing just that since the day he was born) he was in my arms. It felt like I had been missing a body part and all of a sudden I got it back. He woke up and stared at me, probably wondering how the world got so big. Ryan was filming the whole thing on our Flip camera and I could already envision how Landon will complain about having to watch the video over and over again when he is older. It felt so surreal to finally hold him and see his huge eyes. When I was on bed rest I would try not to think about holding him because I feared that I would only be able to hold him as he took his last breaths after being born. Here he was staring at me as if I were the only person in the whole world. It sounds trite, but it made the last three months seem totally worth it.

Though nothing tops being able to hold him, he did give us another present when he pooped! Due to this, he will be fed tomorrow and hopefully start really gaining weight. (His current weight is 2 lbs, 8 ozs.) I admit I am terrified and excited for his feeding to start. Given that the last time they attempted to feed him breast milk his bowel perforated, my anxiety is understandable. I asked his new doctor, Dr. Steven, no less than 7 times how confident he is that my kid's gut won't explode again with feeding. Though he wouldn't give me any guarantees, he pointed out that he needs to be feed and now is a good time even though there still is risk for another bowel perforation.

They will be feeding him a very tiny amount (1CC per hour) through a tube in his nose for the next five days to see how he will tolerate it. We need major prayers that he tolerates the feedings. I am not sure I can handle another experience with him getting so sick from a bowel perforation again. I know that God only gives you as much as you can handle, but sometimes it seems God knows something about me that I don't know about myself with all of the trials he shoots my way!