Good-bye to April, Hello to May

Landon has had a full week of good days! He looks better every day and more importantly acts like he is feeling much better. Today he was a sleepy baby and was so cute that I feel I should campaign Gerber to let him be the first Gerber baby on a ventilator...I mean they shouldn't discriminate just because he has preemie lungs, that is like age discrimination.

His team of doctors are so happy with his progress they are going to have his nurses check his blood for normal lab tests twice a day, it used to be every 3 hours! We knew he was doing better when we saw his nurse now has two babies to watch, a good sign that they aren't expecting him to need too much attention. This news was very exciting to us and especially well timed because today was the last day of his April doctor team. Though we lost Dr. Nancy at the beginning of this week, I was able to starve off total panic with the knowledge we had the rest of his team for the rest of the week. Well, the week went by too fast and now we have to say good-bye to the people who have been a vital part of our lives because they have kept our son alive.

When we first met Landon's April team, we were pretty overwhelmed but in a short month have come to know them well. We will always be grateful not only for the medical treatment they gave our son, but their patience in explaining everything to us, their medical and emotional support during the hard times, and the fact that they put up with our craziness. Our craziness included Ryan's idea to ask all doctors a 'question of the day' because he never would have a question to ask when they asked if we had any medical questions. Questions of the day included what kind of car they drive, if they are a cat or dog person, and most embarrassing ipod song. We learned quite a bit about them with these questions.

As we did with Dr. Nancy, I want everyone to know how awesome each of our team was. Dr. Karen was our fellow (someone who has completed their residency and is getting more specialized training) and she is AMAZING. She made sure to come by everyday to make sure we understood what was going on with Landon for the day. She would be honest with us when she was worried and optimistic when I was being too anxious and didn't need to be. She is our hero because on top of taking care of our baby and the other babies in the NICU, she has twins herself! She is definitely a super mom. Even though she was so busy, her caring and presence always made us feel that Landon was an important focus for her. Luckily for us, she still has to be on call for some days in May so I don't have to be totally devastated by the loss of her :)

Dr. Eileen (aka Caddy because she was a golf caddy in college and Ryan couldn't remember her name) was a resident on Landon's team. Through fate she was often on call on nights when Landon was especially sick. She was the person who had to call me to tell me that Landon would need his first surgery. That middle of the night NICU call is something every NICU parent dreads and although it was still terrifying, having Eileen at the other end of the phone offered some comfort. On top of that, she put up with Ryan asking her medical questions without any sign of annoyance when he had aches and pains. (I told Ryan he needed to go to the doctor if he was having pains, and he decided since Eileen was a doctor it was close enough to following my advice.) She is moving on to bigger and better opportunities, but I know that any patient who is lucky enough to get her will be in good hands.

Dr. Heba was a senior resident on Landon's team. Whenever I see Heba, I always tell her how amazing she looks. She is one of those people who can look beautiful even when they have been up for 24 hours taking care of sick babies. Ryan did remember her name, which goes to show you how really pretty she is :) More importantly, she is a caring and amazing doctor. She was always there to explain any scary things that were going on with Landon and was ready with a hug when really a hug was the only thing that would work in the situation. Most importantly to me, after talking to her and her suggestion to do a kidney stone jiggle to get that stone moving, I was able to finally pass that darn thing! For that and my son's life, I will always be grateful to her. (Side note for those who know of our tradition of naming kidney stones and are curious, this one was named Fuzzy Wuzzy Magoo.)

Dr. D. was Landon's attending (the doctor who is in charge of the other doctors on his team) and we really couldn't have asked for a better doctor for our first month. Our friend who had a baby in the NICU last year, let us know he is a world renowned doctor who specializes in ventilators. That was really lucky for us given the initial concerns for Landon were lung related. Dr. D. has been a doctor for quite some time, but obviously cares deeply for the babies he treats and was always checking on Landon even when we knew he was extremely busy. He also took the time to just talk to Ryan and I about everything from his first car being stolen, to whiskey distilleries in Scotland, to his expectations for Landon. He is truly a fascinating man and although I wouldn't wish this experience on anyone, I am happy we were able to meet Dr. D. because of it. He will be around until May 15th and I have already told Landon that he has to work to get off the ventilator before Dr. D. leaves to show him his hard work was worth it.

We know his May team will be just as awesome in different ways, but we have definitely told them the bar is high and that his April team put Landon in a really good spot to make it an easy month for them.

So one last thing about Landon, now that he is feeling better, he did learn a new trick-bradying. Brady is short for bradycardia and is a term the NICU uses when a baby's heart rate drops suddenly. It is totally common for preemies given their immature systems and in Landon's case is probably happening due to the placement of his ventilation tube. Basically, when he moves or is moved to get his diaper changed and vitals checked the ventilator tube hits a nerve causing his heart rate to decrease. It comes back up quickly, but pretty much gives me a heart attack every time. I guess these heart attacks is just a part of motherhood!

I Got to Hold Him Today...Well Kinda

I know it has been a few days since I posted, but that has been because Landon has been doing so well! The only medications he is on are antibiotics for one more day and morphine (because if your insides were open to the outside you deserve some morphine). He is like a different baby now that he is feeling better. He is much more alert and loves to look at his momma (and his daddy, but only if he can't see his momma :). Today he kept lifting up his hand in front of his face and then getting a look of confusion like "hey how did that get there?"

The surgeons stopped by and explained that they will wait 6-10 weeks from when he had his surgery last week to close everything up and reattach his intestines. This gives him time to heal and gives his intestines the best chance. They will actually try to feed him breast milk in the next 10 days, which should be interesting with detached intestines. They say they do this all the time with kids who like their intestines open, but I am pretty sure I will have a heart attack when they do it.

The highlight of today was I got to pick him up! It was only briefly while the nurse quickly changed his bedding, but was pretty much the highlight of my life to this point. It was so exciting that Ryan actually stopped playing Angry Birds on his phone and took the picture below. We are hoping that he continues to remain stable enough to come off the ventilator soon and we will be able to really hold him. We can't wait!

On the kidney stone front it still has not come out yet. It is kind of funny given that Landon was in such a hurry to come out when I wanted him to stay in and this stone wants to stay in when I want it out! Such is life I guess :)

An Ode to Dr. Nancy

Happy three weeks of life to Landon! He had an awesome day today, which unfortunately I was not a part of due to my very mean kidney. Although I was sad to miss a good day with him, I was even sadder to miss our last day with Landon's wonderful Dr. Nancy. This is because the doctor team at the hospital we are at changes every month. It allows different doctors to get to know Landon and bring their unique perspectives, it also allows the doctors to pursue other areas of interest like research or get further training/experience in different departments. All of which makes perfect sense for the way the rotation system works, but doesn't prevent the separation anxiety I am already having at losing Dr. Nancy.

You see Nancy has been with us since our start in the NICU and she is amazing!!!! I will admit that for the first week or so we did refer to her as Dr. Pretty Eyes because we had met so many doctors that week and couldn't remember all of their names. Instead, we started to give the doctors names for attributes we could remember about them and in Nancy's case she has very pretty blue eyes making her name a no-brainer.

All joking aside, the first week in the NICU was the most surreal and definitely one of the hardest weeks of our lives. Nancy was on the team assigned to Landon for April and was with him from the beginning. She made what could have been a completely negative experience more than bearable. This is because Nancy loves the babies she takes care of. It shows in her eyes and the way she talks about them. She always made sure to let us know what was going on and was a shoulder to cry when things weren't going so well. More importantly, she really believes in Landon.

She understands what a fighter he is and loves him. On the days he wasn't doing well, she would have just as much trouble leaving him as I did. On her days off, she would peek in the system to see how he was doing. And she called to check on me while I was in the ER because she knew I would be worried about Landon. She goes above and beyond her actual job description. I truly feel that God sent her to help us through the beginning of this hard journey. Her skill and care is a reason why my baby is here today. She is the best advocate a baby could have and the medical profession is lucky to have her. So you can see why I am sad to see her go. If I could drink, I would say I am doing a toast to Dr. Nancy but instead I will take a vicodin and toast her with that!

The Easter Bunny Brought Me A Little Present

Happy Easter everyone! Landon had a good day today. He has been off blood pressure medications since yesterday and has been keeping his blood pressure up mostly on his own. This is good news because it could be a sign that he is finally turning a corner with the infection that caused him to get so sick when his bowel perforated. He was super cute today with his eyes wide open and yawning. This is the first time I saw him yawn and though I know all babies yawn, I am pretty sure no baby looks as cute as my kid doing it.

The nurses also appreciate his cute face and beautiful eyes saying he often flirts with them with his eyes :) He had a good Easter because one of his favorite doctors, Dr. Nancy, gave him a little more sugar in the solution they use to feed him. Although it was really to help get him more calories, I told him that it was kind of like eating a Peep and one day when he experiences the real thing he will appreciate how awesome that is.

I am so happy Landon had a good day because Ryan had to go back to work for the first time since Landon was born today and it was hard for all of us. I tried to text him pictures demonstrating Landon's cuteness, but being the world's worst picture taker probably failed in that venture. On top of that, I started to feel not so great as I was sitting with Landon. I thought maybe I had pulled a muscle in my back, but as the pain intensified I came to the horrifying realization that it felt an awful lot like a kidney stone. So instead of spending more time with my baby on his first Easter, my mom and I spent quality time in the ER where I learned I had a large kidney stone moving through my left kidney. I'll admit I laughed when the doctor told me the news, because when you have this much craziness going on in your life at one time you can either laugh at it or cry and I am sick of crying.

Thankfully I was given some good drugs to help me get through the next few weeks while I pass the stone. I am hoping my writing skills are just as amazing while on drugs, but suspect I may be mortified reading the posts I do while taking them once the stone passes...

Had a Good Friday (Pun Intended)

First of all, I have to wish my mom a happy birthday today! Words cannot express how grateful Landon, Ryan, and I are to her for everything she has done and continues to do while we continue the fight for Landon's life. She is a magical person and Landon was happy to see her today. Although it was her birthday, she gave us a gift because her visit caused Landon to stabilize his blood pressure. He loves his grandmama!

We had our first family picture today. It was not quite the way we imagined our first picture would be, but precious nonetheless. Landon is still holding steady, though has had some issues maintaining his blood pressure. The surgeons decided not to close his wound because he threw an absolute tantrum when they tried to poke at it today. They don't think he would be able to stand it if they actually tried to perform another surgery on it. They have decided instead to just let new tissue and skin grow over the wound naturally. He already started to heal over, which apparently impressed the surgeons.

We are scared at the thought of his insides exposed for so much longer, but one of his doctors put it into perspective that things happen for a reason and he may just do better healing on his own versus going through another surgery. The good news is that since he wasn't having surgery, he was able to stop being paralyzed. It was nice to see his beautiful eyes again! Although we can't hold him, being able to talk to him and have him look at us makes us feel like real parents. His body is still very swollen due to the infection, but his cute little face remains the same. We are told the swelling will go down as he gets better. However, one of the doctors pointed out that he is still growing every day and when the swelling goes down we may be surprised at how much he grew.

It sometimes can be hard to look at him and not be devastated over the hardships he has been through and still has to go through in his short life. I think in times when we are really having difficulty getting over the unfairness of it all, God sends us a reminder of what a miracle he is. Our reminder today was seeing the wonderful nurse who got us through labor and delivery. She asked how he was doing and we told her about his infection and intestinal problems. She then asked in a hushed tone how his lungs were. It was a wonderful feeling to tell her that his lungs were good for a preemie. We sometimes forget the miracle God gave us by giving our beautiful little boy lungs that work when everyone said they wouldn't.

We often have to remind myself that God gave us a fighter. Our boy has been fighting his whole life, both instead and outside my tummy and continues to fight every day. His strength shines through and is recognizable to his nurses, doctors and really anyone who comes into contact with him. So when we feel like we can't take one more setback, we remember that if my little man can keep fighting then we can do nothing but support him and believe in him.

A New Day, New Worries

Today when we went to the hospital, we were told we couldn't see Landon for several hours. Our hearts stopped as we feared there must be something wrong with him and the doctors must be working on him. Then the NICU receptionist promptly told us that Landon was fine, it was just that two new babies were transferred to the hospital and since they were in the same room as Landon we couldn't see him until they were settled. It was reassuring that for once it wasn't our son's isolette that the doctors were crowded around.

When we finally got to see him we were surprised at his appearance. He was so swollen that he had gained nearly his body weight in fluid retention. The nurse assured us that this is a normal reaction for a preemie to have after a catastrophic infection and hard surgery. They couldn't tell us how long he would be swollen, or even if he would get even bigger. On top of this, he was having trouble keeping his blood pressure up. This also is not uncommon given his state, but is still scary to see.

We did get some good news today. The surgeons came by and were happy with his progress. They even said they would try to close the wound on Thursday or Friday as long as he remained stable. The remain stable is the scary part because with a preemie and our son especially, you really never know what each day or hour will bring. When I asked his doctor when she would not be so worried about his prognosis she told me the day I take him home...I said that would stop her worries but would just elevate mine!

The Kid Wanted His Intestines Hanging Out and He Gets What He Wants

Landon was up and down after the drain went in. After about 5 days of antibiotics to try to kill the infection and the drain allowing the stomach contents to come out, it became apparent that he was not going to get better on his own. He stomach continued to be swollen and a dusky grey black color. He was in obvious pain and something needed to be done. We knew that he would need the surgery to cut out the parts of the bowel that were causing the issues. The worst part was that the surgeons had no idea if it would just be a small portion of his bowel or the entire thing. We would just have to wait and see. To add to the stress of the situation, the pediatric surgeon on call for this week was a surgeon who operated on me as a child leaving me with lifelong complications. I knew that the hospital we were at would only hire the best of the best, but it was hard to get over the fear of this same surgeon operating on my son.

I finally decided to bring up my concerns to Landon's doctors and it was decided that it would be best for another surgeon to perform the surgery. It was one less thing to worry about. We signed the consents for them to work on Landon and went to the waiting room to wait on the results of the 3 hour surgery. We wondered if we made the right choice, if we should have waited to give him another day or two to heal on his own. We wondered if he would be ok or would have short bowel syndrome due to the large amount of intestine they may have to remove. It was a scary time, and we said our fair share of prayers.

Finally, our nurse called us to say the surgeons wanted to speak with us. That didn't seem like a good sign, but maybe it was something they always did after surgery. When we went into the conference room they told us that the good news is there was only a small hole and they were able to remove the piece of bowel where it was located. Then came the bad news. When they tried to close the wound, Landon's oxygen levels and blood pressure plummeted. They believed it was because his intestines were so swollen from the infection that they were putting pressure on his lungs and his heart. Due to this, they decided to LEAVE THE WOUND OPEN! They were telling me that my son was currently laying there with his intestines hanging out for all the world to see. I couldn't even imagine the reality of this. They told us that this is something that could happen and it wouldn't be forever, just until the swelling went down. They tried to convince me that it is actually easier with the wound open because they can stay on top of thE status of his insides. They did say they were very worried about his prognosis. We left the room to see our son, terrified about what we would see.

It is funny how what you can handle and tolerate changes with crisis. I never knew I could handle the reality of my son's insides on the outside, but I did. To tell you the truth it actually wasn't too bad. There was some dressing over the wound and baby intestines are no where near as gross as big people intestines. You could almost pretend that the situation wasn't as horrific as it was. We knew it was bad when most of his doctors came to tell us how sorry they were and the hospital's social worker came to see how we were coping.

They set up a room for us across the NICU because of his tenuous state. I stayed up until midnight helping the nurses clean up his bedding and trying to wet his mouth to make him more comfortable. He was sedated and paralyzed but I like to believe he knew I was there. Eventually, the nurses told me to get some sleep and that they would wake me if anything happened. I spent the night begging God to heal my son, to give me one more day with him and anxiously listening for that knock on my door. The knock never came, he was able to stabilize and do much better than his surgeons and doctors expected. Our prayers had been answered for one more day.

The NICU is a Roller Coaster and I Forgot My Dramamine

Having such a good first week of life, Ryan and I were excited to see the progress Landon would make in his second week. However, on Wednesday when he was a week and a half old, he started to act funny. His stomach started to swell up and distend and his blood pressure began to fall. The doctors weren't quite sure what was happening but watched him closely. As the day processed, his stomach began to get bigger and started to turn darker and darker. The doctors began to be concerned he had a dangerous infection that is common in preemies called NEC. Basically, NEC is an intestinal infection that causes a baby's intestines to start to die. Eventually, a hole or multiple holes can form in the intestines and spill their contents into the baby's abdominal cavity causing sepsis and possible death.

This sounded like a pretty terrifying infection and we prayed he didn't have it. As the day went on, he got sicker and sicker. Finally, around 10pm his stomach had gotten so black that the doctors requested our permission for the surgical team to cut a small hole in his abdomen to see if they could determine the cause of the swelling and discoloration. We were pretty terrified but knew something had to be done to make our baby feel better. We waited for about an hour for the surgeons to come back out. In the NICU many procedures are actually performed at the baby's bedside so the baby doesn't have to be moved. The surgeons finally came out and confirmed our worst fear, Landon had a hole or perforation in his bowel and the contents had spilled into his abdomen, causing the distention and discoloration. They were able to clean out a lot of the mess and decided to leave a small drain in his side to let the stomach contents continue to drain out.

On top of this, they told us they may have to go back in to do a larger surgery to actually remove the portions of his bowel that had the hole in them and anywhere there may be dead intestines. However, they couldn't do it that night because he was too sick to withstand that type of surgery. The fear was that if enough of his intestines were affected, he would have lifelong issues with eating and absorbing nutrition. We were devastated. It seemed so unfair for our baby to survive the odds when it came to his lungs only to face an even bigger battle. It was so hard to just watch him suffer when we wanted nothing more than to pick him up and take him away from there. We knew he was in the right place and that people all over the world were praying for him, but it was still difficult to see.

Week One: The Honeymoon

The morning after he was born, we woke up early to meet with Landon's doctors to get the news of how bad his lungs were. We knew they must be sufficient for them to put a ventilator in, which is more than any doctor had told us would be possible. We had our miracle baby. The doctors told us that his lungs were actually a lot better than they had expected for a baby his age. In fact within a day they were able to take him off the super jet ventilator and put him on a regular one. Two days after he was born, they attempted to take him off the ventilator all together. That didn't go quite so well because Landon decided he didn't really feel much like breathing after 40 minutes off the ventilator. No one was too upset though because he was only 2 days old and was probably just tired out. Ryan and I were just happy with the attempt given we were told he wouldn't be able to breathe even with the assistance of a vent before he was born and here he was breathing on his own.

Everyone was impressed with his progress, but warned us that the first week or two was usually considered the honeymoon period. After that, small babies tend to get tired out and may decline. We half-heartedly listened to this because we were riding the high of having a living breathing baby against the odds.

In the week we really got to see Landon's personality. He HATED being wet and would flail about and get the grumpiest face when his diaper needed to be changed. He also didn't care for the sound of alarms and in the NICU there is always an alarm going off. To counteract this he would put his little hands over his ears. It was really cute and confirmed that our kid had some stellar hearing. It was hard to imagine someone so small could be so mighty.

The nurses began to fall in love with him as much as we did. Nicu nursing is a little bit like eharmony. Each baby has a primary nurse and a nursing team who is chosen when the parents and nurse realize they like each other's style or when a nurse falls for a baby (and who wouldn't fall for Landon). We were lucky to find nurses who are Type A like me and who would advocate for Landon, even if it meant disagreeing with the doctors. More importantly, Landon's nursing team work with him enough to know his likes and dislikes and don't just make decisions based on protocol but on Landon himself. This was important because we would be in the NICU at least until my original due in July, at least 3 months.

The NICU has a wonderful philosophy of keeping the parents involved. Ryan and I are able to attend rounds when the doctor and nursing staff discuss Landon's care plan for the day and can even bring up questions or suggestions for his care. The doctors will often ask us what we think about how Landon looks because they know how we are always there and know our baby best. We are also able to contribute in his care by changing his diaper, or cleaning off his mouth, or just holding his hand so he knows we are there. It is hard not to hold him, but the nurses assure us that he knows who his parents are and will do better because we are there for him.

This week was made even easier because we had some friends who had recently went through a long NICU stay, who were able to give us advice and help us from completely going crazy. We were so lucky to have this assistance and be one step ahead of most parents in this situation.

D-day

As I hit 26 weeks, I began to give Landon milestones to reach before he could be born. I said he had to wait until after tax day, and he certainly couldn't be born before Easter, and then of course there is Will and Kate's wedding and the NFL draft. I should have known that my kid would do things on his own timeline without reference to what I wanted. The Saturday after I hit 26 weeks, I began to have contractions. I had some slight contractions since my water broke, but these began to happen every hour and were a little more painful than I was used to. The doctors weren't too concerned as they weren't too close together, but began to monitor me and Landon even more closely. Landon didn't seem too bothered by the contractions, though he would give me a swift kick or punch to let me know he was aware of them.

I googled contractions and saw that some people have contractions for weeks before actually going into labor. I was reassured by this. Though reassured, I was starting to get uncomfortable with contractions waking me up all night long. I began to wonder how I would cope with this for several more weeks even though I knew it was best for Landon to stay put. Landon had plans of his own though, and the contractions got worse as Sunday moved into Monday. On Monday April 4th, the doctors began to show signs of concern. They had me stop eating and drinking and hooked me up to numerous monitors. It seemed that Landon was having a hard time keeping up his heart rate with each contraction. We began to talk about the reality of a c-section that day, he was 26 weeks and 5 days.

Though we knew this day could come at any time, I don't think any of us were really prepared. I still was holding on to the thought that maybe this was a false alarm. This was hard to do once the anesthesiology team came in to insert an epidural. Thankfully, my husband's cousin worked in the anesthesiology department and sent in an awesome doctor to oversee the procedure. I sent my husband to the hospital cafeteria to eat some food because a grumpy husband was not a good time and I wanted one of us to have some food if this baby was coming that day. 10 minutes after he left, the doctor went to examine me and immediately said whatever I do, I shouldn't push. Apparently, the baby was ready to come and my epidural was so good I didn't realize it.

We called my poor husband back up and I concentrated on not pushing, as your brain automatically wants to do what you are told not to. I knew that God was watching out for us that day because he sent our favorite doctor to be there to deliver our baby. The combination of that doctor and a fabulous epidural made a terrifying situation bearable. Unlike other moms in labor, I had to deal with the fear of labor and the reality that my baby may not survive long after being born. We got into the operating room and everything seemed so surreal. I glanced to my left and realized my husband was either going to puke or pass out. A nurse got him a chair just in time for the fun part to begin.

A lot of people told me after how brave I was during labor, but I need to admit a secret....I had the best epidural EVER. I literally felt nothing and had to ask the doctor multiple times if I was actually pushing. Being a perfectionist, I wanted to hear that I was the best pusher he had ever seen. He laughed at me, which made me laugh until he told me to stop laughing so I could get the baby out. I would love to be a martyr and talk about the horror stories of surviving labor but passing a kidney stone was about 1000 times worse. I know God was with me during this time and He knew I needed to catch a break to keep my sanity. I truly feel He took away my pain and gave me an amazing doctor to support me.

Once Landon was out, I heard exclaims that he was moving around. First fear that he wouldn't be alive was gone! Now, I had to wait to see if they could get him on a ventilator to help him breathe. This was the scary part as we had been told from the beginning that if his lungs didn't develop, they wouldn't be able to help him even with a ventilator. They took him away and my husband went with him. I believe my heart and a piece of my soul went into the other room with my baby. When my doctor said there was a complication and they would need to do a procedure on me to make sure my placenta got out, I didn't even worry. I was too busy wondering what they were doing with my baby. It was disconcerting because I couldn't feel my stomach so there was a disconnect from the fact he was not in there anymore. It took another two hours to get me stable enough to go to recovery.

From there, my husband came into the room with the first pictures of our baby. He looked like an alien baby with one eye open. Ryan already gave him the nickname 'Pirate.' I was anxious to know how he was doing, but no one seemed to know. Ryan and I sat and cried and wondered how much longer we could wait. We rationalized that no news meant they were still working on him and he was still alive, but we really didn't know that. Finally, the nurses came in and told me if I ate some food, I could see him after. I have never ate a grilled cheese so fast in my life!

I don't remember everything about seeing Landon for the first time. After bed rest for 2 months and the blood loss from the complications of labor, I was pretty lightheaded. The NICU nurses told me not to pass out because they only treat babies and not adults. He looked so small and full of tubes. I couldn't touch him or hold him, just look at him through the glass of the isolette. My nurse came back for me to help me rest, but I snuck out of my room several times throughout the night to come see him. I knew everything we went through was totally worth it, just seeing him there continuing to fight for his life. He was only 1lb 13 oz when born, just under 2 lbs, but definitely mighty.

A Room with a View

The week between 24 and 25 weeks was the longest week of my life. I was sure that I had gotten that far only to go into labor. Landon continued to prove me wrong and sailed through that week. When we did another growth scan at the end of the week, we discovered he had a growth spurt and was now sufficiently big enough to qualify for medical intervention when he was born. We were so excited about this news, but it was also bittersweet as it meant I could no longer stay home but had to move into the hospital for the rest of my pregnancy.

Luckily, we scored the 'nicest' room on the floor, the only room with an entire wall of windows to let the light in. The view was that of the staff parking garage, but I would take what I could get. Hospital life was different. You were no longer on your own schedule but on the doctor's and nurses time. You got medication when they decided, took a shower with their ok, and got to eat only if they said so. I laughed and said this must be what rehab or jail is like. Thankfully, the nurses were so nice and so positive that I could make it further. Even the doctors began to admit they didn't expect me to make it so far after breaking my water. They still said the chances of him surviving were dismal, but every once in awhile one of them would admit they have seen other babies who did survive in our situation.

I joined a forum on a website that included women in my exact position who were holding on to their unborn babies with all their might. There were also women who successfully delivered babies months after their water broke. These were real babies and not some numbers from studies done 20 years ago. I was willing to cast the die with real babies over statistics and numbers. One of the women whose baby survived and thrived gave the advice to remember that where there is life, there is hope. We held onto this even on days where it could be almost overwhelming when thinking about what our outcome may be.

We fell into a new schedule that still involved some daytime TV, with doctor visits, vital signs, and fetal heart monitoring mixed it. Landon continued to demonstrate his personality by showing his dislike for the heart monitors. This involved strapping some probes to my stomach which Landon promptly kicked until they were no longer on top of him. He would even begin kicking when he heard the heart machine turn on, before the probe even went on me. The nurses thought I was being silly, but I knew my little man was showing his opinion. I began to have hope that we would make it another 9 weeks to 34 weeks when they would induce him.

A Time to Rest...Bed Rest

After we finally convinced the doctors that yes we would be continuing our pregnancy and yes we understood the likelihood of a 'dismal' outcome, we were told I would need to be on bed rest for the remainder of my pregnancy. I was immediately admitted into the hospital to start IV antibiotics in an attempt to stop any infection. After I completed the course of antibiotics, I was able to go home to start bed rest until I hit 24 weeks or the magic viability point to most health professionals. I came to hate that word 'viability'. I knew my baby was a baby and not just a fetus. I mean he had a strong heartbeat and moved around. I wanted the doctors to see my baby as a person and not just a thing that could cause a bad infection in me, but apparently that wouldn't happen until 24 weeks. Of course the doctors reminded me that the chances I make it past a few days without going into labor was slim to none. Though if I made it to that point, I would be admitted into the hospital and given steroids to help the baby's lungs develop. This made 24 weeks seem like miles away, however we knew that if we could even have one hour with him, it would all be worth it and told the doctors so.

I was allowed to go home after the antibiotics were completed with strict orders to check my temperature every 4 hours and immediately come back to the hospital if I started to feel crampy or sick. I was warned that if I showed signs of infection, I was to be induced no matter what as neither I nor the baby would be able to survive the infection untreated. I wasn't worried though because as a total germaphobe, I spent my whole life preparing to fight the battle against germs and infection.

The reality of bed rest was not something I was prepared for. As a pretty active person, having to lay down and only get up for bathroom breaks was pretty hard. I had to rely on my wonderful husband and awesome mom for everything. Though this may sound like heaven to some people, this is pretty much a form of purgatory for a Type A control freak like myself. I had to learn to be happy even if they didn't do laundry the way I would or put things away where I would put them. I felt like I had 24/7 babysitters with my husband during the day and my mom at night while he was at work. Everyone put their lives on hold in order to take care of me and fight for Landon's life. My husband and I began to relate our lives to the TV show Lost. It felt like we were on the island while the rest of the world continued to turn. We wondered if there was an alternate universe where my water hadn't broken and we still had a normal pregnancy. Our lives were now on hold, but for a very worthy cause.

I was also dealing with the guilt of leaving my teammates at work high and dry during a busy time for our team. I was truly lucky to work for such an amazing company as Google and for such amazing people as my team- the BIM team. Not only did they provide me with their thoughts and prayers, but sent multiple gifts of food and a gift card to help us with meals while I was laid up. They made a horrible situation a little less horrible. On top of it, the generous maternity and disability coverage made it possible for us not to worry about money and just focus on keeping my baby in for as long as possible.

After a few weeks on rest, I began to fall into a routine and see the positive side of the situation. I picked up a few daytime TV shows (Wendy Williams and The Doctors) and even a soap opera (General Hospital). After lunch, Ryan and I would watch chef Gordon Ramsey's Kitchen Nightmares. We especially liked the episodes where Gordon shut down the restaurant because it was so gross. More importantly, I was able to take the time to really connect with my baby. Before this happened, I was go go go and didn't take much time to slow down and think about the reality of being a mommy. I was able to learn my baby's personality long before he made his appearance. I knew he didn't like it when I laid on my left side, and he loved when I ate or drank sugar (a baby after my own heart). We began to call him Little Lion Man because I swear he would kick to the beat when I played the Mumford and Son's song of the same name.

A week past and then 3 more and I actually made it to 24 weeks. It had been hard, every day I woke up and wondered if today was the day I would go into labor or get an infection and every day my crazy baby stayed put. We were happy to get admitted to the hospital and get the steroid shots that could really help give my baby a chance when he was born. However, once we were admitted, the doctors performed a growth scan and announced that even though we made it to 24 weeks, the baby's growth had slowed dramatically and he really wasn't big enough to benefit from any lifesaving measures if he were to be born at that point. We were devastated, we made it to the magic 24 week number and now it wasn't good enough. We were told to go back home for another week while he grew some more.

Our Journey Begins

My husband and I had been married 5 years before we were blessed with being pregnant. For anyone who has known me more than 5 minutes, you know I am a Type A personality. Due to this, I immediately starting reading pregnancy and baby books to make sure I was following all the 'rules' for a healthy pregnancy. I stopped eating lunch meat because of listeria risk, didn't drink any caffeine, modified my exercise plan and refused to go through the radiation emitting scanner machines at the airport. I worried about aches and pains and (although miserable) was happy to have morning (or all day) sickness because the studies showed a decreased risk for miscarriage with bad morning sickness.

I started to wonder what work would do without me when I went on maternity leave and more importantly what I would do without work! I worried I would have a baby who cries all night long so I couldn't get sleep or whether labor would be horrible. When I finally reached my second trimester I was able to breathe a sign of relief that the miscarriage risk was now low and we told our families about our happy news. A few weeks later we learned we were having a boy and we started searching for the perfect baby boy names.

The day our journey began was a day like any other. I went to work and was taking a break by people watching at Starbucks with one of my closest friends. I was almost 20 weeks pregnant. While walking back to work from Starbucks, I felt a gush of fluid that I thought was urine. I was annoyed that I was going to be one of those women who face incontinence while pregnant. However, I noted that the fluid didn't smell like urine. The friend I was with had recently had a baby and urged me to call my doctor. I realized later that her advice probably saved my baby's life.

The labor and delivery nurse wasn't all that worried about the fluid and told me to wait an hour, then call back if I had any other gushes. I called an hour later to let them know I thought everything was fine, but a new nurse instructed me to come in to get checked just in case. I wasn't too worried, but called my mom to take me to the hospital. We stopped at McDonalds to get some food and I spent most of the drive there talking to another of my pregnant friends. It really just seemed like a formality to get checked out. My husband had just left on a trip that I purchased for his birthday to Las Vegas with his friends and I didn't even bother calling him to let him know we were going to the hospital.

Once there, the nurses checked to see if I was in early labor and didn't see anything unusual. They let me know it was probably a bladder issue and to try Kegel exercises. Not the best news, but not life threatening either. We were all set to leave when the nurse said she would check the baby's heartrate really quick before I was discharged. She couldn't find a small heart rate monitor and announced I would be getting a bonus ultrasound since there was an ultrasound machine available. My mom and I were excited to get a glimpse of the baby, who we had named Landon.

The nurse put the ultrasound goop on my stomach and started scanning. However, this ultrasound was different than others I had had. It started the same with the nurse pointing out the baby's strong heartrate, but then she got quiet. She announced she was going to get a doctor to double check something. A few minutes later a resident came in and started to scan the baby again. I knew something was wrong by how silent she was as she scanned. I could feel my panic rising as I kept looking at my mom while waiting for the the doctor to tell us what she saw that was wrong. She then said the words that have dictated my life and my family's lives since then, 'I see no amniotic fluid around the baby, your water must have broken.'

I wasn't sure what that meant for my baby, but could see from the doctor's face it was bad. She started talking about infection risk and the fact that at 19 weeks the baby wasn't viable. She said I would probably go into labor in the next few days, but that she recommended I induce that night to avoid a possible life-threatening infection. I didn't understand, I saw my baby's strong heartrate and could feel him move in me. I asked if the baby would eventually die within me because of the lack of fluid and she admitted that if I didn't go into labor or get an infection, the baby could live inside me indefinitely. The problem would come from the fact that amniotic fluid is needed for lung development and 19 weeks happened to be smack in the middle of a crucial lung growth period. She said that even if I made it to term, the baby only had a 5% chance of having enough lung development to survive.

I was devastated and knew with absolute certainty that I couldn't deliver my baby that night and be sane. I also knew that as long as my baby had a heartbeat and was not suffering, I couldn't actively do something to terminate him. So I told the doctor, I would wait until my body and God decided it was time for my baby to come. I called my husband and told him the heartbreaking news and my decision and began the fight for mine and my baby's lives.